Taking an ‘L’: Overcoming the fear of losing love
Written by Dr Mandy Mpatlanyane
June, 15, 2022
When I was a child my parents entertained my western childish ideas. Whenever I lost a tooth, they sneaked some money under my pillow or in my shoe leading me to believe the Toothfairy had paid me a visit. I met the Toothfairy’s generosity with a joyful smile – a full on buck teeth and missing incisor smile! This was definitely not a loss met with heartache nor tears.
But as you know, this is an atypical response to loss. A typical response to loss, particularly loss of a loved one, comes with great difficulty and pain. Losing something, although an irritating inconvenience, is not quite like the loss of love. Love lost is heartbreak, tears and in the words of C.S Lewis, ‘loss’ – feels a lot like fear.
Yes, loss almost always ushers in fear and anxiety about the future. We ask ourselves “what will become of me from now on & in the future now that I am without x,y,z?” When I was 14 years old, my dear aunt passed away. I had lost relatives before, even a classmate when I was 8 years old, but losing my aunt whom I loved immeasurably brought a fuller understanding of the gravity of loss & grief.
She was the woman we all looked up to, she was my role model. At 14 I understood that I would spend the rest of my life wondering how her opinion would have livened and elevated my teenage years and adulthood. She was the girl! Losing her was losing a lighthouse on my sea shore. Being without a lighthouse, without a role model in the present & future, was sufficient to evoke fear.
Loss brings grief and fear because as people we are interwoven in building one another’s identities. When we lose an active contributor to our self-development it’s difficult to see how we can still become all of who we could be. Romantic and sexual partners can be significant contributors to our identities. We do think of ourselves in terms of who we are linked to, romatically and/or sexually. In part this is because we deem our sexuality as a possession that can be lost, given or withheld from another. How we feel about our sexuality and (in)active sex lives is tied to our self-esteem.
When disappointment comes and/or unexpected sadness enters like a new season, either because we have been unwise in selecting who we share the possession with or because our expectations have been unmet, fear may creep in. Does this person love me? Can I see myself with them long term? Was this consentual or violation? Why do they have such high risk sexual behaviour habits? Am I safe in this relationship? Should I let this person go? Will I be able to cope if I no longer have a sexual attachment to them?
These questions are really questions about dealing with the possibility of loss, and more significantly, the fear that accompanies loss. Sex is a practice of mutal agreement and consentual service to one another. When the agreement and consent is no longer upheld, we may feel in danger and therefore an urge to cut loose. Cutting loose may feel extremely difficult because although you recognise your self-esteem and health are taking a knock, cutting loose means allowing the relationship to die. And with death comes grief & fear.
So, don’t let the pain of loss and fear stop you from getting out of unhealthy relationships, sexual or not. A good and healthy sexual status and identity is important for a high positive self-esteem. A positive self-esteem helps us stick to low risk, healthy sexual habits. It is better to ride the wave of loss and fear that comes with losing a relationship or lover than to live in an unhealthy relationship filled with self-doubt, high risk sexual activity and possible threat to life. Taking an ‘L’. On the other side of it may very well be a happier & healthier you.
References:
- Image – https://pin.it/31Fdlmb
- Lewis, C.S., 1961. A grief observed.
Ubusha Bami futhi yimi lo – My youth and this is me! © 15 June 2022